beanski

the unmentionable big girl bed

She forced the issue. I was content cramming her into that crib at least until her feet were poking out the ends. I mean, she's SAFE in there and she likes it and why fix it if it isn't broken?

At least I thought she was safe in there.

Then one night she was goofing around trying to get out of bath-time (which I push nightly because the swine flu) and she giggled and disappeared into her bedroom and shut the door. When I went in there to drag her sorry butt to the bath, she was IN her crib. As in, she had climbed IN.

I chuckled a little to myself and her dad and I had a few good laughs at her expense after she went to bed, "Leave it to our kid to figure out climbing IN before climbing OUT."

And then last night, something very, very bad happened.

It was one of those nights where she skipped her nap at daycare (Can someone please tell me how a kid that naps on the weekends at home for THREE HOURS doesn't need a nap during the week at daycare?) and she came home crabby and hungry and full of spite. After arguing with her about everything from dinner to which which pajamas she wanted to wear to why she had to take a bath to the fact that the OTHER PAGE! in the book that she's screaming about doesn't exist. I knew the mystery page didn't exist because I had already showed her EVERY SINGLE OTHER PAGE IN THE GOD-DAMNED BOOK and she assured me that I STILL HAD THE WRONG PAGE.

WAH! I'm two and I'm upset and I don't know what to do about it so I'm going to flip out and take off my pajamas because why do you make me wear pajamas anyways? Especially these terrible, rotten pajamas that I was just showing Daddy the birdhouses on all proudly SEVEN SECONDS AGO. WHY DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I HATE THEM NOW, MOTHER? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Yeah, it was bad.

After FORCING her back into her pajamas during what I can only describe as an epic meltdown on her part, her dad and I decided that we were well past the point of reasoning and it was time to just put her in her crib and walk away. Let her cool off a bit.

Except she didn't really cool off. She FREAKED OUT, yelling and moaning and right on the border of barfing all over the birdhouse pajamas she hates so much.

So, I gave up and I went to talk to her, sing her some songs, calm her down.

I opened the door and she had climbed out of her crib and was laying in the middle of her floor kicking and screaming.

After a discussion about how it is not OK to behave like a raging lunatic for no good reason whenever she's upset about something and a few times through You Are My Sunshine, she calmed down and proceeded to ask me me to put her in her bed.

And LEAVE THE LIGHT ON, WOMAN. I have you remind you every single night, you pathetic excuse for a Mother. WAH!

I moped downstairs accepting that the day has come where I have to face the unmentionable. I have to convert her crib to a toddler bed and pray to God that she doesn't figure out how to shuffle her little butt down the hall to our room in her sleep.

another fascinating post brought to you by yours truly

I'm going to get the computer room cleaned up enough to sit there and look at pictures. Today. Or maybe tomorrow.  Surely by Cameron's birthday party on Saturday. Perhaps then I'll have something to post. I find these moderately entertaining because I can sort of guess what kind of person you are by what you like to watch. And eat.

THREE NAMES I GO BY
1. Mama
2. Beandawg
3. Beaner

THREE JOBS I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE
1. Lifeguard
2. Chemistry stockroom attendant
3. Software engineer

THREE PLACES I HAVE LIVED
1. International Falls, MN
2. St. Paul, MN
3. Duluth, MN
(boy am I adverturous or what?)

THREE TV SHOWS THAT I WATCH
1. Project Runway
2. Top Chef
3. Dora the Exploder Explorer

THREE PLACES I HAVE BEEN
1. Paris, France
2. St. Maarten
3. Playa del Carmen, Mexico

THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO
1. Hawaii
2. New Zealand
3. Wine Country

THREE OF MY FAVORITE FOODS
1. Guacamole
2. Pizza
3. Chocolate

THREE THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO
1. Cameron's first birthday
2. Being done painting our house
3. Vacation

THREE ANIMALS WHO I HAVE BEEN FRIENDS WITH
1. Zeke
2. Simon
3. Sasha

THREE THINGS I AM REALLY SCARED OF
1. Snakes
2. Leaving my kids with no mother
3. Something bad happening to my kids

THREE FAVORITE BOOKS
1. The Harry Potter series
2. Cavalier and Clay
3. The Baby Whisperer

THREE FAVORITE BANDS/SINGERS
1. Wilco
2. Neko Case
3. Elliott Smith

THREE FAVORITE MOVIES
1. Dogma
2. The Big Lebowski
3. High Fidelity

THREE FAVORITE DRINKS
1. Wine
2. Diet Coke
3. Bell's Two Hearted Ale

THREE THINGS I FIND MOST ATTRACTIVE IN A GUY
1. Patience
2. Sense of Humor
3. Eyes

THREE THINGS I COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT
1. The fam, all of the crazy fam
2. M&Ms
3. My iPhone

bullet-style because i'm sick of nablopomo

This posting every day shit is hard. But I'm not a quitter so I will soldier on and next year when I get the urge to sign up for this thinking that I have plenty to say I will go back and read this post on Day 9/30 and then I'll probably remember it being easier than I remember (sort of like being pregnant and having kids because I remember pregnancy as being not that bad and I think it was) (Holy run-on sentence):

• The new green is way better than the suffocating red walls in the dining room but I don't really love the green either. I wonder how many times I can paint that dining room that we never go in.
• I just took my husband's dinner order for McDonald's over gmail chat. HE'LL GO WITH THE ANGUS BURGER, THE ONE WITH BACON in all caps. When I asked him what our lives had come to, he said, "You get old, you have a couple of kids and you eat Dirty Ron's for dinner."
• We're still trying to figure out what we're going to do about our broken dishwasher. We're going to Best Buy after work then home to drink beer and watch the Steeler's and figure out what we're going to do.
• I've been thinking about MckMama and baby Stellan all day. I sort of hate getting involved because it isn't about me (it's about Stellan) and turning it into something about me. But I can tell you that I'm going to go home today and kiss my babies and hug them tighter than normal.

That's all I know today. Exciting, huh?

stupid dishwasher

This morning I was moping about wanting to go on vacation. I haven't been on vacation since our honeymoon other than a Ski family vacation to Hilton Head and even that was before Renee was born. Poor me, I KNOW.

Ski then asked what I wanted to do for my 30th birthday (GASP) and implied a possible short weekend trip somewhere warm.

The mere thought of it had me dancing around the house all day.

And then the stupid dishwasher broke and we went shopping for a new one because we were planning on getting new kitchen appliances in a year or two anyway.

The dishwasher turned into a fridge and the fridge to a range and a microwave.

We know it's crazy, EITHER new appliances or a vacation but I sort of don't care.

Ski basically told me that I have to pick between the two. A range that can boil water in ninety seconds and a dishwasher that doesn't sound like a space ship taking off OR three days in a warm place ALL ALONE with my husband (a thought I almost can't even fathom).

Tough call. I'm going to have to sleep on it.

as it turns out i don't really want red

We painted one wall pretty much the color of merlot before I decided I want green instead. The red was the red I was going for when I picked the swatch...it just felt suffocating on the wall. $40 and an hour extra and I'm a much happier girl.

party planner

I set sort of unrealistic expectations for my kid's birthday parties when Renee had her first birthday. I think I forgot that someday she was going to turn two and then when she turned two I swore that I wasn't going to go crazy and I was going to keep it low-key. And then I went crazy. 

Then I had another baby and GOOD LORD that is an awful lot of birthday party planning.

But in a good way.

Because I LOVE doing it. I get all of these ideas floating around in my brain and I lay awake at night thinking about it. I scour etsy looking for inspiration, do random googling like "activities for first birthday party" and sit at the computer for hours coordinating the invitations with the thank-you cards with the decorations. I make banners and cakes and personalized stickers. Somedays I think should have been a party planner because it really is one of the few things that I really love.

I'm eye deep in birthday planning right now because my baby? He turns one next week. Sniff, sniff. Me hurting my back has set me back (no pun intended) but I made a vow today to follow through on my plans. My husband can try to talk me into ordering pizzas and buying a cake but I am just not made that way and I would be sad on his first birthday. I want to be happy on his first birthday. But I'm going to be sad because you know, WHERE DID MY BABY GO?

What do you do for birthday parties? Low-key? All out? Just family? Where do you find your inspiration?

Here's a peek of Cam's 1st birthday - the invitation, which I ordered from annoncingyou on etsy:
 

tft: grocery budget directly to garbage can

I've fallen into a trap I swore I wouldn't fall into: I cook three meals almost every night.

One for Cameron, one for Renee and one for us.

Cameron's is because he is Mr. Sensitive and I can't give him dairy or really anything at all without him flipping out and being awake all night trying to fart. I'm fine with making him something because he sleeps if I keep to what works and that sleep is worth anything to me.

I know it is a bad idea to make something special for Renee and I know that is one of the reasons why I'm a raging lunatic but I don't know what to do about it. She doesn't eat much of anything and what she will eat, I will not eat. Well, I would but then the 20 pounds I would have to lose would turn to 30 and Lord knows the 20 is going to be hard enough to lose.

When I find the energy to care enough to try to lose it.

But that day is not today and probably not tomorrow either.

I don't care.

I guarantee we throw away at least half of the food we buy each month and I am SICK OF IT.

Tell me, what do your kids eat? What sort of portions? Do you really starve them until they eat last night's broccoli? Or is that one of those things the hardasses say they do because it makes them feel powerful when in reality they are suckers just like me? Do you put a fruit, vegetable, protein, carb and dairy on every plate for every meal and do they ever eat it?

I obsess about balancing their meals and it is making me crazy. And poor. Because I throw it all away.

ribbit, ribbit, moo, moo

I may have mentioned this already (give me a break, I'm on serious pain medication) but my plan was for Renee and Cameron to go as Chicken and Beef for Halloween. It totally fits their personalities and represents what they like to eat and I got a good solid couple of hours of laughs out of the idea of it. But then Renee started hopping around saying Ribbit! Ribbit! asking to be a frog on Halloween and I had to remind myself that it is about HER and not about ME. So there you have it, Frog and Beef.

She wants today and tomorrow and every day to be Halloween. The SECOND she gets home from daycare she says "Can I have a piece of candy now? PLEASE?" I'm already tired of saying no over and over and over again. Damn cute ribbiting frog though, huh?
 
And oh my god, Cameron the Cow. HAHAHAHAH. You should have seen him crawl around in this costume. Ski and I both laughed for HOURS about it.

And one of them together. I bribed them with candy to sit there and let me take their picture and I still didn't get it quite right. 
 
No pictures of trick or treating (because I? Am a totally awesome mother) but here's one of carving pumpkins which she had ZERO interest in. Other than the flameless tealights that she played with for HOURS. Maybe next year...I seem to say that a lot :)

She did demand a Black Cat pumpkin and surprise, surprise, she got what she wanted.
 

We interrupt the cuteness to bring you some complaining

So I seem to have really done a number on my back. I'm totally helpless, can't even lift my children, can't change a fucking diaper. Heck, for all intensive purposes I can't even walk.

I feel pathetic every time I struggle to pry open that little bottle of habit forming painkillers. I count the pills wondering what's going to happen when they run out.

Will they give me more? Because what will I do if they don't?

I try to throw myself into online Christmas shopping, Christmas calendars, anything to make the time pass quickly by.

But I can't concentrate. All I can do is fret about the look on my little girl's face when she asks for me, when she wants me to hold her and all I can do is rub the top of her pretty little head and tell her I love her.

What is going to happen with work? Short term disability, what if it comes to that?

I can't even think about it. I can't. I want my life back. I want to hold my babies and to hug them without pain. I want to make my baby a cake for his very first birthday.

But I can't. All I can do is lay here and write blog posts on my tiny little iphone screen.

And count the minutes until I can pry that pill bottle open again.

twenty-eight months

She’s my snuggler, my girl, my sweet. She always wants Mama, will settle for Daddy and is getting better and better at branching out to a stranger here or there. I hurt my back this month and she was so sweet, telling me she “loves me SO MUCH” and insisting that she hurt her back too so that she can lay down next to me on the couch. 
 
She loved Halloween this year, so happy to have an excuse to demand candy. I have called her Mu Shu Chicken pretty much since she was born. Sometimes on my way home from work I’ll say things like “How was your day, Chicken?” without another thought about it. So after asking her at least 100 times what she wanted to be for Halloween and getting no answer I decided she was going as a chicken. And I’m not even kidding the very next day she decided she wanted to be a frog. I tried to put the chicken costume on her and she cried and cried and cried begging to be a frog. So I sent the chicken costume back and bought her a frog costume. What Renee wants, Renee gets. Just ask her. Numerous times this month she said "I'm the boss, Mommy."

We hired a babysitter for the first time this month and she was totally cool with it. I told her that Katie was going to play with her for a while and that we’d be back and she was all like “whatevs, dudes, have fun.” When we got home I scooped her up and hugged and kissed her and asked her if she had fun and she said she did. I almost died. She had fun with someone other than us, she’s really living on the edge. 
 
Her relationship with her brother is growing stronger. She’ll finally allow him to take a bath at the same time as her and she likes to push him in the swing and make him laugh. He’ll climb up next to her on her chair in the living room and they’ll both start giggling. Most of the time she’s swiping stuff off of him but once in a while she’ll give him something and say “Here you go, Cammon” and she smiles sweetly when we make a big deal about how good of a big sister she is. She wants us to believe she doesn’t like him but we know better.  
 
One day out of no where when I was putting her to bed this month she asked me to leave the overhead light on in her room. I don’t know where it come from but she is pretty adamant about it. I leave it on while she reads in bed and then I go up and turn it off after she’s been in bed for a half an hour or so. Very strange. She has also woken up screaming a few times this month and she doesn’t really seem awake when I get in there to soothe her, she just seems scared. I think she must be having bad dreams or is afraid of the dark. 
 
She had memorized quite a few of her books, reading them to us at night now before bed. She loves Cars, Trucks and Things that Go and giggles and sings a little “Goldbug, goldbug, where are you?” song when we’re looking for him. She’s a cheese ball and fake laughs when she’s trying to be funny to get a laugh out of us. The best part is that she knows when we are being sarcastic and is sarcastic back. 
 
She calls her stuffed animals her “friends” which totally kills me. We lost her favorite Mr. Tiger this month and Ski and I both moped around for two weeks feeling like there had been a death in the family. Every single morning and every single night she’d ask where he was and our hearts would break. Then we got a replacement thanks to Nena who made a special trip to the zoo for her and she was so happy to see him. She was like "Mr. Tiger, where have you BEEN?"
 
She’s starting to like girly things in general, INSISTS on wearing sparkly shoes that she calls “BEAUTIFUL” every where she goes. Once in a while now she’ll let me put a barrette in her hair but most of the time she still pulls them out right away. 

She’s shy and will only talk to us with a whisper when she’s in big groups of people. It makes both her dad and I laugh. Well, almost everything she does makes her dad and I laugh. I really can't imagine what we'll do for fun when she grows up and moves out. We're going to have to go back to watching comedies and sitcoms and they are not comparatively funny.